It’s getting down to the wire at school these days, which probably explains my erratic posting, and for that I apologize. I remember the New Year’s Resolution I made and I am trying to stick with it. It’s just hard to post something while feeling guilty that I PROBABLY should be working on the four+ assignments that are due in the following week.
I don’t know if I ever mentioned it but in my post-graduate program, I’m part of the co-op section where you apply to various co-ops/internships, and hopefully you land one and you get the experience you need to really succeed in the field. One of the things that I had considered upon entering the program was the possibility of not getting a co-op. As soon as I thought of it, I pushed it far out of my brain, intent on really trusting myself and my skills to land me a job. So far, trusting myself, hasn’t really worked out the way I want it to. And, in the end, I’m freaking out and really second guessing myself. You know, is my resume not good enough? Am I SUPER under-qualified? Am I really that horrible/dislikable in the interviews?
I never thought finding a job was easy by any means, hence the reason why I chose to go back to school. I didn’t think that going out into the world with just my BA would be enough to land me a job. And here I am, second guessing that decision to go back to school and follow my gut feeling — doing something that I really loved in comparison to following my parents’ dream for me. I’m sure every soon-to-be graduate has felt this way and it’s just mind-blowing, you know? I thought I made a good decision getting into the program that helped you, at the very least, put your foot past the crack of the door. Essentially, that’s all I want.
Give me the tiniest crack in the door, I will open it. I will open it so wide that I will not only put my foot past that door, I will put my entire body through it. Whatever it takes.
By no means do I mean to come off as whiney, oh-woe-is-me—no. I fully accept responsibility for my actions, I own the fact that I probably did not prep enough for that interview, I own the fact that I did not go out looking on my own sooner rather than later, I own the fact that I made mistakes and now I’m stressing out to the max. I own the fact that I relied and trusted on things to “work out” instead of making movements for myself.
I know better now. I need to turn the tide for myself, I need to show up for me. There is nobody else who’s going to show up for me but me.