We were all rooting for you

I know I’ve been absent this entire month, and I don’t know what else to say except I apologize. I’ve been itching to post on here, but every time I think I should … I hesitate. I come back and I look at the posts I’ve made on this blog recently, and they’ve all been … whiney. Whining about my struggles with school, with my inability to find a job, etc. And, when I do want to post, all I can think to post about is how hard I’ve been struggling with finding a job after finishing my last days of school. I didn’t want to come back and bitch and whine again, so I didn’t.

Instead, I immersed myself in books and have kept up my book blog and devoured book after book. In retrospect, I guess I was looking for a way to escape the shittiness that I drowned myself in and I only have myself to blame.

I don’t want to continue to whine and bitch on this blog—it’s not why I created it in the first place. And so, I give you Tyra. Every time I want to bitch and whine about how hard life is for me while I sit on my ass, reading book after book, I will look at Tyra. Because, I feel like a part of me has given up … and every time I see this gif I get scared shitless. Man, that episode was fucked and I have never seen her yell like that.

BGJ Challenges

It’s getting down to the wire at school these days, which probably explains my erratic posting, and for that I apologize. I remember the New Year’s Resolution I made and I am trying to stick with it. It’s just hard to post something while feeling guilty that I PROBABLY should be working on the four+ assignments that are due in the following week.

I don’t know if I ever mentioned it but in my post-graduate program, I’m part of the co-op section where you apply to various co-ops/internships, and hopefully you land one and you get the experience you need to really succeed in the field. One of the things that I had considered upon entering the program was the possibility of not getting a co-op. As soon as I thought of it, I pushed it far out of my brain, intent on really trusting myself and my skills to land me a job. So far, trusting myself, hasn’t really worked out the way I want it to. And, in the end, I’m freaking out and really second guessing myself. You know, is my resume not good enough? Am I SUPER under-qualified? Am I really that horrible/dislikable in the interviews?

I never thought finding a job was easy by any means, hence the reason why I chose to go back to school. I didn’t think that going out into the world with just my BA would be enough to land me a job. And here I am, second guessing that decision to go back to school and follow my gut feeling — doing something that I really loved in comparison to following my parents’ dream for me. I’m sure every soon-to-be graduate has felt this way and it’s just mind-blowing, you know? I thought I made a good decision getting into the program that helped you, at the very least, put your foot past the crack of the door. Essentially, that’s all I want.

Give me the tiniest crack in the door, I will open it. I will open it so wide that I will not only put my foot past that door, I will put my entire body through it. Whatever it takes.

By no means do I mean to come off as whiney, oh-woe-is-me—no. I fully accept responsibility for my actions, I own the fact that I probably did not prep enough for that interview, I own the fact that I did not go out looking on my own sooner rather than later, I own the fact that I made mistakes and now I’m stressing out to the max. I own the fact that I relied and trusted on things to “work out” instead of making movements for myself.

I know better now. I need to turn the tide for myself, I need to show up for me. There is nobody else who’s going to show up for me but me.

Big Girl Sighs

Have you ever … felt like shit? Not like the typical, you had a bad day because things didn’t turn out as you had expected kind of shit. The disappointment kind of shit. Where you thought you did something well and found out otherwise, and now you can’t stop second guessing yourself type of shit. That’s the kind of shit that I’m feeling right now. I know it’s definitely one of those things that I’ll look back on tomorrow and be like, okay, I got this, I can change it. BUT, right now, I just want to lay in my bed and watch a movie that makes me cry and sleep.

Is that so bad?

Big Girl Struggles

Once again, I have been plagued by school and all of its nonsense and therefore that is my excuse. I have much to post about but I am overwhelmed with all that needs to be info-dumped on here. Right now, though, I am a bit distracted to post things on here. So many things are going on but that doesn’t mean I’m abandoning this baby.

This post is just to let you know that I’m here, struggling to be a BG, thus it takes precedence just a little bit. I’ll try to post more but I can’t promise anything.

Almost a Quarter of a Century

Last Wednesday, I turned 24. Turning 24 passed with little fan fare, not much drunken espionage as what I have been prone to do. I just spent a quiet weekend with my boyfriend and it was quite possibly one of my most favourite birthdays ever. Does leaving the partying behind mean that I’m taking another step closer to being a Big Girl (with a BJG)? Or, does it mean that I’m essentially an old lady?

Maybe calling myself an old lady is a bit of an extreme, but it does help me put things into perspective. Three, four years ago, I would have never pictured myself where I am now. Thinking back on it, I’m actually happy about it. If I was in law school right now, trust me, I would probably want to blow my brains out. I like the stage that I’m in now in my life, despite the fact that it took me a long time to accept it.

Turning 24 made me feel unaccomplished and the increasing amount of LinkedIn invitations from former high school classmates, and the many, many, engagement/first house photos popping up on my Facebook newsfeed, definitely added to that feeling of inadequacy that I was speaking about in my last post. Everyone moves at their own pace, I know that, it definitely didn’t stop those feelings though.

Honestly, I didn’t really get over it, but I accepted it. I’m happy with where I am because I’m in a learning process of trying to figure out who I am and what I mean to such a big world.

The BGJ.

The thing about breaking into the adult world is finding what I like to call, the BIG GIRL JOB. Finding the BGJ, though, is difficult when Aria-post-finding-out-Ezra-is-A is channelling all of the feelings going through my body. Except, I don’t want to listen to music but watch Dirty Dancing all night long.

Finding the BGJ is especially difficult when you’re staring at your resume, your mind going completely blank. My resume is terribly underwhelming in comparison to the ones we’ve been shown in class, so I’ve been feeling a bit … unconfident. I just feel like everyone in my program has experience that I don’t have, which makes me feel inadequate. So, when I open up resume template after resume template, I start to feel like it’s pointless because there’s no experience there.

I know I’m most likely selling myself short, but I can’t help it. I guess everyone feels this way at one point or another, I just wish that something—anything would happen to give me the confidence I need. I will admit a part of me is nervous that I won’t get the BGJ because I am not what anyone is looking for.

Oh, BGJ, why you gotta do me like this?

Public Speaking Woes Pt I

So, I didn’t hyperventilate myself into a heart attack yesterday.

This week, we did speeches at the Allan Gardens, which is basically a fancy greenhouse that is incredibly massive. The thing with the Allan Gardens is that it’s out in public, out in the open and random people who are there to enjoy the day can listen in as you give your speech. Seriously, not the best thing in the world,

I also had to give my speech at the opposite end of the room …. ugh.

BUT, I will say that after all of the weird things that happened during the giving of the speech (pictures being taken of me at weird angles by prof, being interrupted every two seconds, etc.) it wasn’t so bad. Prof came up to me afterwards saying it was a good speech, well organized, structured properly, etc. so I felt good about myself.

Still not into it though.

First Day of Semester Woes

First day of the semester started bright and way too early at 5 AM for my 8 AM class. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I was so tempted to just roll over and write off the day. As tempting as my bed was… I knew I would hate myself later on, and so I decided I needed to be a decent human being and go to school.

The first class of the day is public speaking, and as you can imagine … I got my ass served. It was literally my bed sending karma my way, saying “you stupid bitch, you should’ve stayed in bed.” I SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN MY FLUFFY, COMFY BED! Speeches? In Public? At 8 AM? Did I mention IN PUBLIC?!?!?!?!

Fuck that noise.

Let’s not even go into what we’re doing next week, I might hyperventilate myself into a heart attack.

Big Girl Tingz

Tomorrow marks the start of my second and final semester of grad school, and I’m both nervous and excited at the same time. Also, I guess you can say that I’m dreading it, too.

Firstly, I’m happy that it’s my final semester of school ever! How cool is that? I can finally say that it’s going to be my last semester after so many long, long years. I’ve spent so much of my life in school that I’m excited that this is going to be it! I can finally take on the real world … as scary as that is.

Taking on the real world is what’s making me nervous. I will be doing co-op, which is basically an extension of the real world, you know? I’m excited to get experience in my field, but I’m also nervous. I feel like I’m finally getting to put on my big girl pants for my first ever big girl job, because lezzzzbereal here, selling shoes for a living is just not a thing. Also one of the reasons I’m so excited to finally be done with school is to gtfo out of my part-time job.

For those of you who’ve stuck around since I started this blog know that I’ve been feeling undervalued recently, and those feelings still haven’t changed. Classic! Whatever. I’m just going to grind it out until May, which is when co-op starts, because once it does this girl is not going to jump down your throat to sell you that $250 Ugg or those $328 Michael Kors boots for the extra commission! Fuck, May just seems so far away from now. What I am going to do, though, is stack up on shoes that I’ll need for my big girl job to hold me over until I can justify buying them regular price instead of getting my employee discount.

At the start of each semester, I tell myself this is it! This time I’ll be a dedicated, dutiful student! And then after three weeks, I go back to doing my regular routine of dicking around. I’m just going to embrace it this time around. I know that deep down inside I am a procrastinator, and that is not going to change, so fuck that noise! I procrastinate, kill myself in the process, and still get good grades. As long as this continues to be the result, I see no reason why I should change this … right? Well, it’s not like I can since this is going to be the last semester of my life ever!

Real world, I am coming for you!!!

In like May, though, k?

Movie Review: Into The Woods

Into The Woods directed by: Rob Marshall

Starring: Anna Kendrick, Daniel Huttlestone, James Corden, Emily Blunt, Meryl Streep

IMDB: 6.8

Rotten Tomatoes: 72%

A witch tasks a childless baker and his wife with procuring magical items from classic fairy tales to reverse the curse put on their family tree.

Let me be the first to say that I wasn’t expecting this to be so … musical-y (not that that’s a word, but hey, it fits). I knew it was based off of something broadway and on top of that it was a Disney movie, so I knew there was going to be a lot of singing, but I wasn’t expecting that much singing, you know?

For a lot of the movie, I kept sneaking glances over at my boyfriend (obviously, I drag him to watch everything, much to his horror) who looked like he wanted to face palm through all of it. Actually, during the Princes’ sing off around the river bend, he looked a bit distressed because of Chris Pine.